Too intimate partners are unhappy
After marriage, some people can’t help but regard their partner as the most important person in their lives, especially women, and have to be “as good as a person”.
But psychologists point out that this “lost self” attitude in relationships is not good for marriage, and too close a partner will be unhappy.
The latest issue of Personality and Social Psychology reports that psychologists have found that there is an “emotional conditional self-esteem” (RCSE) for lovers of varying lengths.
It refers to a person who evaluates himself according to a part of a relationship, losing self-awareness and objective judgment.
Some extreme people even think that if a partner can’t prove their worth, it is worthless.
Chip Ny, an assistant professor at the University of Houston and director of the Interpersonal and Motivation Research Group, and colleagues conducted a series of studies on this psychology.
The results show that those with high RCSE dramas, although very specific about their feelings, have a low opinion of themselves.
In the process of emotional development, people with high RCSE are also prone to manic and paranoid behavior.
If they encounter setbacks, divorces, and other frustrations, they gradually become worried, frustrated, and even hostile.
“Rather than calm down and analyze the situation and think about how to take the best action, they immediately take an impulse response.
“The famous sex psychologist Dr. William Hankin of the American Kinsey Institute also pointed out that the opposite of RCSE is to maintain self in the relationship between husband and wife, which is one of the secrets of a happy marriage.
Many people give up their ego after they get married, and ask the other party to give up their ego, asking the two to combine in a “third body” built for marriage.
“It’s as if every woman buys clothes, the first consideration is whether her husband likes it; or when eating out, men inherit the taste of their wives first and give up their favorite hamburgers; even some wives sayI kept saying “my husband said” and couldn’t get an idea for everything.
Dr. Hankin cautioned that this sacrifice of self for love is not desirable.
First, it violates the original intention of love.
The two fell in love because they were attracted by the “individual” of the other.
In fact, the loss of self can make individuals feel oppressed and restrained, and true love is a kind of tolerance and should give each other freedom.
Finally, always addicted to love, only you and me in the eyes, this feeling is also fragile, can not go through storms.
Dr. Hankin introduced some ways to help people maintain their self, such as regularly “leaving” their partners and only meeting with friends; insisting on keeping a diary and recording only their interests and hobbies.
“Lovers spend 10 minutes a day alone, close their eyes, and think about the people, places, and events that impressed themselves.
It’s like a signpost on a long journey to help you determine “who am I”.